All posts for the month January, 2014

The weight

Published January 23, 2014 by hrhdana

Today was a good day. No a great day. It wasn’t busy at work. Bieber got arrested. The internet was hilarious all day long. I was able to read and laugh and post and carry on with laughter in my soul.

Then it happened.

Someone posted THIS link showed up in my newsfeed.

All the air went out of me. I deflated. Because I remembered the weight of the skin I’m in and all that it represents.

And now I have to spend the rest of my evening writing or I will explode.

Rest in Peace Ricardo Sanes

Mental Vomit

Published January 10, 2014 by hrhdana

My brain is full.   Seriously,  so full.

I’ve been trying to write something here for HOURS but the thoughts are racing in my head and my emotions are swirling all up and through the thoughts. My attempts feel disjointed, messy and sub par. But what’s a writer to do? We have to get it out! So I’m warning you ahead of time that this post will be a jumbled mess. I’m not fighting the racing thoughts anymore. I’m going to do my best to just capture and release them.

My daughter is hilarious. She’s taken to prefacing any conversation with, “Mama, do you know what I was thinking?” And in case you ever wondered two year olds ARE thinking. She’s asked me some questions that made me pause and shared some observations that left me impressed. I love, love, love listening to her.
Isn’t it funny how before I started typing my thoughts were racing but now that I’m typing all I can think is…shoes. I’d really like to go shoe shopping. I’d especially love to go shoe shopping with someone else’s cash.
Our food supply is terrifying. I have no idea why more Americans aren’t up in arms about GMOs. I also don’t know why there is no outrage that companies sell clean version of the products that they sell here in other countries. It’s like they acknowledge that they are poisoning Americans and we’re cool with that.
My right earlobe itches. It’s been itchy for days and I have no idea why.
My heart still hurts for Trayvon. I still think about him and his family all the time. I don’t know how to move on.
I need to find some volunteer work to do.I’m going to get my license this year…before I turn 38. Native New Yorker here.

Having a little girl has made me even more aware of how necessary feminism is. I wish White feminism would get it’s shit together. I still feel un-welcomed in their space.
Why does WordPress randomly decide I needed and extra line break there? Why can’t I delete it? Will I ever learn to work this site?
I love the idea of a purple and teal wedding.
Where the hell did THAT come from?
Single parent and unmarried parent is not the same! I wish the statistics would catch up with and reflect this truth. I don’t say that because I don’t want to be identified as a single Mom. I say it because I’m not a single Mom. I have a partner who is right there co-parenting with me. But when I fill out forms I am a single parent or a married parent. It’s silly and antiquated.
I’m excited about this year. Things are happening for me in my poetry life and I’m super excited about it.
I want to go back to school but I am overwhelmed with deciding when and where so I do nothing.

There goes Word Press with that extra space again.

WordPress you are pissing me off!
I am missing my friends. So many of them live out of state. Since having the baby I haven’t done much traveling and I miss them so much.

Why did I switch from taking my vacations in the winter to taking them in the summer when I know how much I hate the cold and love the heat?
How many people have already quit reading?

I’m really sad about something I think I have no right to be sad about. I’m still sad.

At some point this year I’m going to deactivate my facebook for a while. I think it’s necessary.

I’m going to see my best friend tonight and I’m super excited!!!

I think I’m done here. I’m off to write some poetry.

If you are still here feel free to drop some random thoughts in the comment section and thank you for stopping by.


Dear White people please stop telling me…

Published January 8, 2014 by hrhdana

Dear White people,

Hello how are you today? I really want to speak about something that is on my mind and weighing heavily on my heart. I hope you won’t mind me addressing you as a group. I am aware that you are not all the same. Language can be restricting at times and I hope that stating my intention NOT to offend will be enough to soothe those of you miffed at the all encompassing address on this post. This letter is really for, “the White people who don’t want to be racist and therefore claim not to see race and that we are all the same, human.” But you see, that does get wordy, huh?

I realize that this race stuff is difficult. Trying to understand things that we don’t live is challenging. I can not intuitively imagine all of the challenges that someone in a wheelchair faces. I can sit and listen to them. I can spend time with them but even then I do not truly know what it is like to not be able to just get up and walk. I have to remember to listen when they speak. I have to remember to check my privilege and respect and acknowledge their experiences. Its not my place to tell them how to feel or how to interact with the segment of the world that does not need a wheelchair. It is not my place to speak FOR them even if I do so from a place of advocacy and support.

I use this example because I can imagine, and I’ve had white friends and family tell me how challenging it is to them to have the race conversations. I can empathize with how challenging it is to set aside privilege and accept a reality that I do not live because I have to do it too. (See above example) I know that you mean well when you say that you don’t see race. I know that your heart is bristling with empathy when you implore people to accept that we are all one race, the human race. I am respectfully asking you to stop.

Saying that we are all the same and that you do not see race invalidates MY experiences with race in this country. Saying that race doesn’t matter is a lie. I am a Black woman every single day of my life and I can tell you that racism is alive and well. I can tell you that I have experiences on a daily basis where I am not allowed to forget that I am a BLACK woman.  Do I want to move past these experiences? Absolutely! But I can not until they stop happening. I can heal from or ignore one interaction. I can not heal from ongoing and systemic interactions.

I’m not going to list all the numbers here but I will tell you that non-White people are more likely to be profiled, more likely to be arrested, more likely to be incarcerated, less likely to be hired, less likely to be accepted to universities…etc etc etc. This is REAL! This is our life! These experiences cause pain. These experiences require healing. It matters what color we are. We can’t claim unity with one race, the human race when we are constantly facing the fallacy of these premises. It’s belittling to my experiences to implore me to, “stop seeing race,” or to stop identifying my experiences with racism as such. Are you following me?

Life IS different when you are not White and if you aren’t willing to accept that truth then you aren’t doing the work of dismantling racism. You are contributing to it by refusing to HEAR and ACCEPT my experiences in the world we live in. Not the world we all wished that we lived in but the world that we ACTUALLY live in.

Thank you for listening.