All posts for the month October, 2014

I’m buying some sage on Monday

Published October 26, 2014 by hrhdana
I’m going to buy some sage on Monday
because lately
a million little things
are attacking me
and seriously
every freaking thing I do
goes wrong.
I’m going to buy some sage on Monday
and I’ve changed my Pandora playlist
to Gospel.
Because I know
minds and hearts are where our power lies
and negativity/darkness/sadness tries
to gain a foothold there.
I’m going to buy some sage on Monday
I’m going to listen to Smokey all day on Sunday.
I am going to get my mind right.
I am going to bathe myself in light.
Smoke away all the little voices
“Well who did you think you were?
“Sit down, be safe, stay small.”
And I’m going to smote myself,
my very being.
Because I am
the common denominator
I am seeing.
And maybe I am
off course
evaluating me…
system check
I’m going to buy some sage on Monday.
I am Royalty.
Destined for greatness.
Bigger than my problems.
Blessed IN my mess.
Mother of the future.
I am unbreakable.
I rebuke mediocrity.

Be still and know…

Published October 20, 2014 by hrhdana

I’ve been stumbling in the darkness.
Who turned off the sun?
I’ve lost every bit of my bliss.
I can’t remember fun.
Where was I going?
Why am I here?
Where is my clarity?
Why do I fear?
As the questions assault me
I sit down right where I am.
I am not moving until I have a plan.

Car horns are blowing
middle fingers hurled my way.
I sit here oblivious
with eyes closed I pray.

Father God I know that I have been here before.
I know lost is an illusion. I know I am Yours.
I know that confusion is the work of the dark
I know I AM light, you planted the spark.
I know this moment is a lie.
I know this moment is a lie.
I know this moment is a lie.

So I sit here in traffic
and I let myself cry.
Protected, loved, encouraged
even in my despair.
This is but a moment
I refuse to live here.

I feel angels hands on my heart
they help me to my feet
They sit me somewhere safely
while all my prayers, You meet.

I know this moment is a lie.
I know this moment is a lie.
I know this moment
will pass by.


Blank pages, Blank screens and I’m losing me…

Published October 15, 2014 by hrhdana

I haven’t written anything in a long time.

I had an opportunity to do something big and it didn’t come together. I let that hurl me into the depths of self doubt, despair, and hand wringing.  I punished myself by not making time to write.

That was a lot of honesty right there. Here’s some more, I want BADLY to delete that.

Life happens. Most of the time we can not control what happens to us in life. What we can and do control is how we respond to it. I had a disappointment and my response was to have a temper tantrum that has poisoned every area of my life. I did that.

I have been a crappy Mom, a crappy friend, a crappy girlfriend and an all around crappy person because I made a choice to wallow in disappointment, fear and depression. I struggle with depression every single fall. When the leaves start to change I have to work harder to find my smile. I have to work harder to feel my joy. I know this. It’s been this way forever. But this year I just slid in to it. I didn’t fight or resist at all.

On the surface I probably looked the same. I stayed busy. I wore my public smile. I showed up to most of the places I am supposed to show up to. I started house hunting. I started the process to get a NACA loan. I did stuff. But inside? Inside I knew exactly what was happening and I let it.

I put my pens and my journals away and I slid in to this depression. I welcomed it. It’s been so long since I truly stopped fighting and just let it be. And I know. I know the consequences of falling to the bottom of the pit of depression. I know how much longer and harder I have to swim to make it back to the surface. I know how impossible that swim feels when I am exhausted by simply breathing. I know it all. But I still did it. I still let it happen. I shut off the voice that keeps me treading water and I just slid down in to the water.

Here’s the thing….I can’t breathe underwater. So now it’s time to swim or drown.

And I can’t drown. I have two big beautiful eyes watching me navigate life now. I have a precocious, beautiful, strong little girl learning how to deal with life from me. And I’ve been giving horrible lessons lately. I’ve been yelly and disengaged and miserable. sighs I own that too.

So today, I’m typing these words without proofreading. I’m ignoring the work on my desk.


I’m swimming.