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Mental Vomit

Published January 10, 2014 by hrhdana

My brain is full.   Seriously,  so full.

I’ve been trying to write something here for HOURS but the thoughts are racing in my head and my emotions are swirling all up and through the thoughts. My attempts feel disjointed, messy and sub par. But what’s a writer to do? We have to get it out! So I’m warning you ahead of time that this post will be a jumbled mess. I’m not fighting the racing thoughts anymore. I’m going to do my best to just capture and release them.

My daughter is hilarious. She’s taken to prefacing any conversation with, “Mama, do you know what I was thinking?” And in case you ever wondered two year olds ARE thinking. She’s asked me some questions that made me pause and shared some observations that left me impressed. I love, love, love listening to her.
Isn’t it funny how before I started typing my thoughts were racing but now that I’m typing all I can think is…shoes. I’d really like to go shoe shopping. I’d especially love to go shoe shopping with someone else’s cash.
Our food supply is terrifying. I have no idea why more Americans aren’t up in arms about GMOs. I also don’t know why there is no outrage that companies sell clean version of the products that they sell here in other countries. It’s like they acknowledge that they are poisoning Americans and we’re cool with that.
My right earlobe itches. It’s been itchy for days and I have no idea why.
My heart still hurts for Trayvon. I still think about him and his family all the time. I don’t know how to move on.
I need to find some volunteer work to do.I’m going to get my license this year…before I turn 38. Native New Yorker here.

Having a little girl has made me even more aware of how necessary feminism is. I wish White feminism would get it’s shit together. I still feel un-welcomed in their space.
Why does WordPress randomly decide I needed and extra line break there? Why can’t I delete it? Will I ever learn to work this site?
I love the idea of a purple and teal wedding.
Where the hell did THAT come from?
Single parent and unmarried parent is not the same! I wish the statistics would catch up with and reflect this truth. I don’t say that because I don’t want to be identified as a single Mom. I say it because I’m not a single Mom. I have a partner who is right there co-parenting with me. But when I fill out forms I am a single parent or a married parent. It’s silly and antiquated.
I’m excited about this year. Things are happening for me in my poetry life and I’m super excited about it.
I want to go back to school but I am overwhelmed with deciding when and where so I do nothing.

There goes Word Press with that extra space again.

WordPress you are pissing me off!
I am missing my friends. So many of them live out of state. Since having the baby I haven’t done much traveling and I miss them so much.

Why did I switch from taking my vacations in the winter to taking them in the summer when I know how much I hate the cold and love the heat?
How many people have already quit reading?

I’m really sad about something I think I have no right to be sad about. I’m still sad.

At some point this year I’m going to deactivate my facebook for a while. I think it’s necessary.

I’m going to see my best friend tonight and I’m super excited!!!

I think I’m done here. I’m off to write some poetry.

If you are still here feel free to drop some random thoughts in the comment section and thank you for stopping by.



Published September 3, 2013 by hrhdana

It’s Tuesday.
I just dropped the munchkin off at my Mom’s.
I’m waiting for the bus.
She’s changed me so much.

As I wait a sanitation truck passes and I want to scream, “Garbage truck! Thank you for getting the garbage!!” Because that’s what we do.

A train comes in to the station and I want to yell, “THAT’S A NOISY TRAIN!” Because that’s what we do.

I watch other Moms with their littles and my arms ache to hold mine. Even though I spent most of yesterday and all of last night begging mine to, “please stop touching me for FIVE minutes…please!”

I don’t see or experience anything without thinking of her. It’s amazing and wonderful and…terrifying.

Happy Tuesday folks.

And see now I want to say, “Tuesday see the teacher at the library day. Yaaay!” Because that’s what we do.

I remember…

Published August 5, 2013 by hrhdana


Freestyle Memory

The challenge is to set a timer and write for 10 minutes on memory. No editing, no thinking…just writing. Here’s mine…

College girl


you were a friend to me

in the popular fraternity


you noticed me.

I remember

You picked me up after a party

so nice to me

always so funny and sweet.

I had such a good time

I didn’t want to go home

didn’t want to go back to my dorm.

I wanted to keep the party going.


we went back to your room.

I remember.

I was geeked

friends high-fiving me

you were cute and so sweet.

I remember.

laughter on the way over

story after story

laughing until my stomach hurt.

And then we were there.

You wanted me to drink something

but I wasn’t a drinker.

No idea

why my,

“no thank yous”

put you in such a bad mood.

I remember.

We smoked a little

from a bong

my first time

I felt wrong.

I just wanted to lay down.

You told me I was welcome

in your home

You said that I was safe

with you around.

You told me this was okay

you would stay out my way

drive me home later that day.

I stayed.

No choice.

I didn’t feel right.

I remember…

lying across your bed

my swirling head

felt filled with lead

and then


someone getting on the bed

arms pinned above my head

legs spread

against my will.

I remember

every single thing you took from me.

You hurt me.

And while you were brutalizing me

you whispered

how sweet

I was

told me how deep

you were.

As if I didn’t know

As if I couldn’t feel every inch

of your intrustion

in to MY soul.

I was hot



I remember.


Crying myself to sleep

locked in your bathroom

on the floor

the cold tile reminding me

I was alive.

I survived…

and although I didn’t believe it at the time

I would be alright.

I remember

16 years later

I remember it all.

Monday morning

Published August 5, 2013 by hrhdana

Good morning folks.

It’s about 9:30 on Monday morning. I had a really good weekend with my princess. Saturday we went to my cousin’s 25th birthday party at her house in Connecticut. It was awesome watching Nia running around playing with her cousins. It was wonderful seeing Desi in HER home, surrounded by her friends and family. Her happy is contagious and as usual she makes me want to burst with pride.

Sunday Nia and I spent some time at the Central Park Zoo. Boy was THAT an adventure! LOL I took her by train. If you are a native New Yorker you are already laughing at me. See, weekends is when the MTA does their work on train lines so trains will miss entire portions of their routes, while the work is being done. For a Mom, alone with an almost two year old, this means climbing up the steps to the train, riding the train for two stops, climbing down the steps from the train station to a  bus stop where they try to pack the capacity of an entire train in to the much smaller city buses. Luckily, we got a seat. But I felt like several people (and their luggage) were sharing my lap with my toddler.  A few blocks later you get to fight your way off of the bus and back  down the steps in to the train station. Of course Nia fell asleep as soon as we got on the first train so I now had the pleasure of carrying…(Strollers are for the weak or the smart-I’m not sure HOW that goes.)… a knocked out girl child up and down all of these steps in the sweaty train station and then WALKING from 59th and Lexington to the zoo entrance. Lord knows I have never wanted my child to wake up more than I did on that walk. LOL

But, we made it to the zoo and she was still sleeping so I sat on a bench in the zoo and waited for her to wake up. As soon as she heard some children’s voices she was up and ready to explore. We tore that zoo up and aside from my phone dying and a missed connection with an out of town friend it was an AWESOME day! I delivered her to my Mom and Dad for their weekly sleep over sleepy, full, happy and ready for quality time.

All in all it was a good weekend!

This weekend I did a lot of thinking about my life. I have been pretty hard on myself lately. I feel out of sorts. I feel like my life should be in much more order than it is. This weekend I realized (again) that I am wasting my todays stressing and it’s really silly. My life is what it is. I mean any life is what it is. You only get a certain amount of days and what you choose to do with them is up to you. I made a commitment to make better use of my days instead of worrying them away. I have a beautiful life and I should start acting like it. I need to stop waiting for the time when all my ducks line up and quack in sync and just enjoy the slightly out of tune symphony that I have.

Happy Monday everyone!!!


Look I made ANOTHER blog on ANOTHER site. giggles

Published August 2, 2013 by hrhdana

Welcome. I’m so glad to see you. Please make yourselves comfortable. Please excuse my appearance as I am just getting set up over here. I have a bunch of blogs floating around cyberspace but I haven’t committed to blogging in one place since MySpace. I miss blogging. I miss writing. I miss the comments. I miss reading other blogs. MySpace made it so easy. I built some of the most important friendships in my life through that site’s blogs. sighs Oh the good old days!

Lately I feel like words are oozing out of my brain and I desperately want to catch them. I haven’t really committed to writing on a regular basis for a long time. I’m hoping that WordPress will be the right place and my new home.

I don’t really anticipate any strangers reading this. LOL I’m kinda thinking it will be a diary for a while with just me and the tumbleweeds. So I’ll spend some time decorating and exploring my new blog home. Anyone who knows me knows that I am no techie so that might take a while. LOL

Honestly my writing has been put on a total back burner since I had Nia. I waited a long time to have a baby so the past 22 months have been all about being Mommy. I love my new role. I love my kid. She’s seriously the best thing that ever came out of me. Ba-dum-bump Giggles But now I’m struggling to find a balance between Mommy and Dana. I’m struggling to find a way to honor the things that feed my soul while Mommying. Logically I know this will make me a better Mommy, but I haven’t quite figured out how this works practically. I’m sure I will write a lot about that here.

I’m also a poet. I love writing. I love performing. I love collaborating with other poets. I love listening to and reading other poets. Poetry has saved my life numerous times and in numerous ways. I miss writing for hours. That NEVER happens with a toddler around.

I think I’m done babbling for today. 🙂