conundrum

All posts tagged conundrum

Hold my breath

Published August 26, 2015 by hrhdana

Sometimes I hold my breath

heart racing

watching my little girl

be free in the world.

And I wish I could remember

a time when I was.

And I wonder when

will it happen to her?

The first time

someone gives her the stank eye

for nothing more than her melanin.

It will happen.

I hold my breath

I wonder when?

When?

Ntozake said it best in For Colored Girls,

“Ever since I realized there was someone called a colored girl,

or an evil woman, a bitch, or a nag,

I’ve been trying not to be that,

and leave bitterness in someone else’s cup.”

But lately even sweet tea

tastes like bitterness to me.

I’m hurting.

Agony.

And I’m at a complete loss

on how to build my

beautiful,

confident,

smart,

amazing,

sensitive

little girl

strong enough that she can’t be broken

but not too strong

that her very existence is a challenge

to those who would

murder her

with impunity.

It’s a conundrum with no solution I can see.

And I can’t even exhale fully.

I can’t breathe

Sometimes I hold my breath.

1

A writer’s struggle with privacy

Published November 15, 2013 by hrhdana

I’m struggling with blogging. I have never had a public blog before. I’ve never had a blog that was tied to my offline life. My blogs, in the past, have been where I come to write and receive feedback from people whom I have never met or only met through blogging. There is a freedom in that exchange. I can present my life, my world, my experiences to people who don’t know me. I can talk about whomever I want because the readers don’t know them.

This blog is different. This blog is promoted on my facebook page and in other circles I frequent. This blog is public and accessible by anyone. It’s silencing me.

How can I write about my notoriously private boyfriend when some of the people reading know exactly who he is, even if I give him an adorable code name?
How can I write about my experiences as a survivor when there is a chance that my Daddy might click on this link?

How can I write about that argument with my coworker when she could, theoretically stumble across this?

How much do I write about my daughter before I’m depriving her of her privacy?

 

It’s all become so complicated for me.

How do I write my story with no supporting cast of characters?

 

I’m struggling.

 

As a poet and a writer privacy has never really been a goal of mine. I share my heart, my mistakes, my fears, my nightmares. I do it as a way to process my life. I do it hoping that someone will see themselves in something I write and know that they are not alone. I write because it helps me be a better person when I contemplate my actions. I write because I need to.

 

I’m not sure how to move forward.

I’m hoping I can figure it out.

sighs