All posts tagged Hurting

I’m not okay! I shouldn’t be. Neither should you.

Published July 29, 2015 by hrhdana

Today I posted a plea on my Facebook page. I would quote it here but I had to log off for my own sanity. I begged people not to share the video that was released of Samuel Dubose’s murder with me. I implored them to please put trigger warnings and place spaces so that those of us trying desperately to practice self care would not be forced to watch it. We knew for over 24 hours that it was coming. When people started emailing me that the press conference was starting I literally felt my heart racing, my palms sweating and the tears forming in my eyes. I can not handle this today.

See, I am a writer and a reader. When I read someone’s words my mind makes pictures. I already knew all of the details of Samuel’s murder from the written reports. I already knew. I already saw it. But imagination and reality are opposites. I did not want to SEE this man murdered. I have no space in my spirit for another murder. I have no room in my spirit. I have to maintain my sanity.

I wrote the post. People shared it. People expressed their similar feelings. Then, it happened. I was scrolling down my timeline and before I realized what I was seeing there it was. Murder. In front of my eyes. Straight through my gut. My heart shattered. I fumbled with my mouse trying desperately to scroll past it. My mouse seemed to be made of some slippery substance. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t see through my tears. A visceral reaction.

I logged out, heart racing, tears flowing. I ran to the bathroom and sobbed. A coworker knocked on the door. “Are you okay Dana?”

“NO! I’m not okay. I shouldn’t be. Neither should you”

How can this be life? How can this be okay? Why aren’t we ALL raging in the streets?

He was the father of 10. He had 4 grandchildren. He was a son. He was a brother. He was a friend. He was loved.

He was murdered.


No. I’m not okay. And you shouldn’t be either.

They Wouldn’t Understand

Published November 14, 2013 by hrhdana


She sits in silence

wondering how her life became this mess.

Her constant companion is loneliness

there’s no one she can share this with.

They wouldn’t understand.

He’s her man.


She sits in silence

wondering if she does deserve this.

Happiness seems like so much bullshit.

I mean who lives it?


She sits…

They wouldn’t understand.


She sits in silence

cleaning wounds her lover inflicted

trying to remember a time before

the pain.

Wishing she could change



it doesn’t even matter.





She sits…

They wouldn’t understand.


They all say,

“leave him”

They say,

“You deserve better”


She sits…

They wouldn’t understand.


She sees their disapproval

internalizes it

Something IS wrong with her

she just doesn’t know what it is.

Something has to give

they have kids.

The kids don’t deserve this

she knows this


She sits…

They wouldn’t understand.


If just one of them would

take her hand

Hold her close,

TELL her where to go.

She’s been his puppet so long

she can’t even think on her own.

They keep telling her to go



with what money?


She sits…

bites her swollen lip…

They wouldn’t understand.

And so she stays

trapped in a nightmare

lost in misunderstanding.